Haikus
In his hand a frond,
the naked magician has
another leaf palmed.
Her English, with men,
being Spanish, was broken,
much like her hymen.
“Argillaceous,”
said to describe feces,
was not just facetious.
“Ye piss in a pot,”
wisely said the old sot,
“when it’s all ye got.”
Uvula, to hunt
rhymes: viola, La Scala,
but with vulva, can’t.
Those most oft mated
find love’s motive in a word:
inebriated.
She played, while kneeled,
the tuba badly, and to
compensate, the field.
A mouse is less cute
with neck in a snapper and
its squeaker gone mute.
Pretty, are women
the morning after wedding
days, reptilian.
Men spend many hours
trying to obtain women
who are at most, whores.
E-Harmony catch:
male, bachelor, arsonist
seeking a good match.
Livorno’s Foghorn,
I say, I say, from what
was once called Leghorn.
State we won the war
in 1782
to quell a Brit bore.
Tonight’s “Fancy Free”
performance cancelled due to
rampant leprosy.
Harry’s Maine ‘stuttah’
was grave, so when asked his name
he replied, “Ha-Ha…”
Ass as in assass-
inate, not as one might ass-
ociate en masse.
John Adams, US
second president not, you
foo, Grizzly Adams.
By his knotty pine
door the priest prays that a whore
will knock: naughty pine.
Is LSD a
drug condoned in a valid
pharmacopoeia?
In such a whorehouse,
beauty, kept in a warehouse,
became a warhorse.
The granddad would curse
the hirsute miss, daily, still
bearded at his hearse.
Orbiting stipple,
planet in Greek: wanderer,
a small third nipple.
Calling Adam-12
woman choking on large shoe
corner of Fifth and Elm.
As if by fiat,
the obese cram into their
mouths dough fried in fat.
One can hardly use
psychopharmacologi-
cally in haikus.
Thankfully your dress
is the epitome of
inadequateness.
Dear, ask chipmunks what’s
their trick, so you can learn, to
stop gagging on nuts.
Ducks Huey, Dewey,
and Louie in bright colors
of Cimabue
.
Oh, ho ho ho ho
ho ho ho ho ho ho ho
ho ho ho ho, Oh!
To teach the oboe
the master crooks the elbow
and students obey.
Christopher Willard is the author of the novel Sundre (Vehicule Press/Esplanade, 2009) and Garbage Head (Vehicule Press/Esplanade, 2005). His fiction and poetry have been published in Salon, Third Wednesday, Ranfurly Review, Ars Medica, Ukula,Decameron, Coffee House Press, Broken Pencil, Sobriquet, and in the anthologies Can’t Lit: Fearless Fiction and Double Lives, Reinventing & Those We Left Behind. He currently lives in Calgary where he teaches at the Alberta College of Art + Design.