Prologue:

Are you sick of the 9-5 pace? Do you long for less time at the office? Well then, alcoholism and misogyny may be right for you!

If you follow the instruction in this book you will soon be on your way to working 4 hours or EVEN LESS. Maybe even none!

Whether you are an overworked employee, an entrepreneur trapped in your own business, or an alcoholic with a penchant for talking about bowel movements, my book is the compass for a new and revolutionary world. And by revolutionary, I mean one that spins. Please put your foot on the floor. That will help. And if you are going to puke, please lean your head anyway from me. Actually go ahead and turn your head away from me now, your breath smells like farts.

Rules that change the Rules  

What does "rules that change the rules" even mean (you are asking yourself)? Well, I don't fucking know. But it is probably something like there are rules and other types of rules. Like there are skinny women and fat women. My father was laid off when I was a kid and he just kept pretending like he was going to work. So I guess the rule was that he got laid off. That was the skinny woman rule. But there was also a rule that he had to go to work. That was the fat woman rule. So one of those rules had to win over the other rule. What does that mean? Well, you have to have the skinny woman rule fight the fat woman rule. And you might just assume the fat woman will win, because she will kick hard with her thick legs and maybe possibly sit on the skinny woman. But you don’t know, because skinny women are good biters and they can pinch you right under your nut sack so hard you will think you got electrocuted.

Do I have to hate my job? Do I have to be a risk taker?  

When I worked at the post office, I thought it would make me crazy. I hated my job. Really hated it. So I quit. But we were talking about you weren't we. Wait…who are you? Don't answer, I don't care. Does that answer your question?

Part of the key to this book is the acronym DEAL.  

My whole program can be broken down into one word: DEAL. Which is an acronym. Which is like a poem. If the poem were shitty. Here is the shitty poem DEAL:

D stands for "Don't even start with me woman. I'm serious. I'm tired. So fucking tired."

E is for "Enough? I will tell you when I drank enough. Now pour me another into this tube sock and don't make me ask you again."

A is for "All the assholes out there doing jobs that drive them crazy. But the A is mostly for you. You are the biggest Asshole. And believe me, I am an expert on Assholes and you take the cake ... Asshole."

L is for something and I can't remember it now and if you would ever get off my case then maybe I would. And no I didn't piss myself...the cat did this while you weren't looking. No, I don't have a cat, but I bet my loudmouth neighbor does. I'd go ask her but I pissed my pants.

The art of letting Bad things happen

This is pretty easy. Do you really need instructions on this? Okay, well you bought the book. Want bad things to happen? Just sit around here on that orange bar stool for a few moments. Want worse things to happen? Open your wet mouth and talk to me.

You can call it CB-4HWW for short

Yes, you can even shorten the name. That will save you time too. That way you will have more time to do the rest of the asshole things you do like shortening title's of books.

Julia McCloy is a technical writer iving in Memphis, Tennessee, whose work has appeared in McSweeneys.net, Yankee Pot Roast, Monkeybicycle, and Faultline. She prefers laughing to just about anything.