My Most Recent Rejection Letters
Sehgal uses his wit to spear a few archetypes underlying our cultural monoliths.
Ladies Home Journal
Thank you for your recent recipe submission. Unfortunately, it does not match our needs at this time. We would normally suggest sending it to another publication, but we doubt you would find a willing publisher since the act of preparing a Pop-Tart is considerably easier than the act of reading how to prepare a Pop-Tart. While your instructions do differ from those on the side of the Pop-Tarts box, the changes seem unnecessary and, to be frank, disgusting (for example, “Step 7: Spread 1 tablespoon of butter onto each Pop-Tart prior to placing in the toaster”).
Penthouse Forum
While we appreciate your recent submission, we regret to inform you that we will be unable to use it in our magazine. We don’t use fact-checkers and we certainly believe that fantasy plays a large role in what we do, but having Eleanor Roosevelt involved in your threesome seems odd given the historic level of her unattractiveness. Also, she has been dead for half a century. This last point might have been overlooked if you hadn’t specifically mentioned that the tryst took place “the night Peyton Manning finally won the Super Bowl.” And while your description of Franklin Roosevelt is quite literary (“He sat wheelchair-bound in the corner, legs crippled by polio but eyes moving in delight at the sight of his wife’s pleasure”), we’re pretty sure that this is not of great importance to our readers.
Cosmopolitan
Thanks, but no thanks, for your recent submission, “Ten Ways to Please Your Man, If Your Man is Me.” Don’t you think it would be out of place for a magazine with a circulation in the hundreds of thousands to publish an article with such a narrow focus? Perhaps you might just give the article to your partner directly? Also, your title doesn’t seem to reflect the content of the “article,” which is over 30,000 words long and describes your journey from a young farm boy in Iowa to an “international arms dealer who has bedded Eleanor Roosevelt.”
The New Yorker
We hope that this rejection letter does not catch you by surprise. Have you have ever read The New Yorker? Have you ever seen the cartoons we publish? If yes, then why would you send us a napkin drawing of a stick figure man? Doing nothing, just standing there? With a caption reading, “Another crappy New Yorker cartoon”? Why would we publish such a thing?
Daughters of the American Revolution
We appreciate your interest in our organization but it appears that you have us confused with some other group. We are not a dating service, sir. As such, there is no need for us to include pictures of our members on our website, as you so crudely suggested. We also do not provide escort services, so you’ll have to attend your company Fourth of July BBQ on your own.
North Hills Sperm Bank
Thank you for your recent donation. Volunteers like you give hope to couples desiring children. I say volunteers “like you” because you personally are no longer allowed to donate here at North Hills. While we appreciate your attempted donation, the “product” was not up to our quality standards. And, to be honest, our quality standards are actually quite lax. Since your intake form didn’t raise any red flags, we are left to wonder. Were you in Russia at the time of the Chernobyl nuclear accident? Have you been involved in any trials of experimental medication? Were you ever placed in a microwave and cooked on high for more than thirty seconds? And, not to be completely insulting, but you are the offspring of a human male and a human female, right? We understand these are personal questions but you’ve piqued our interest.
Highlights
First off, sir, we are a magazine for children. We publish games and art projects and stories for children. We do not publish smut, no matter how many former First Ladies are involved. That being said, we do like your Pop-Tart recipe.
RT Sehgal is a physician and occasional writer living in San Antonio. He is known to post creations of widely varying quality and composition at http://musicalstylings.tumblr.com/.